“Are You Keeping Yourself Busy?” — And Other Questions That Miss the Point

A small question with bigger expectations. Let’s unpack that.

There’s a particular kind of small talk that shows up in certain seasons of life — the in-between ones, the quiet ones, the ones that don’t fit neatly into boxes.

And it often begins like this:
“So… are you keeping yourself busy?”

It’s said kindly, maybe even curiously. But it almost always makes me pause. Because it’s not really a question about how I spend my time — it’s about whether I’m still productive, still purposeful, still justifying space in the world by ticking something off a list.

Sometimes I want to say:
“No, not really. I spent 45 minutes yesterday rearranging my bookmarks. Then I stared out the window thinking about that one time I accidentally waved back at someone who wasn’t waving at me.”
And other times:
“Yes, actually. I was caught in a spiral of trying to understand why my dog likes one random corner of the living room so much. I googled it. Thoroughly.”

But mostly, I don’t answer the question at all. I smile, say something vague, and let it pass — like a fly that doesn’t quite deserve the energy it takes to swat it.

What’s Behind the Question

I don’t think people mean harm. “Keeping busy” has become a kind of polite shorthand — a way to check in without really asking anything too deep.

But I do wonder:
When did busy become the default?
When did stillness start making people uncomfortable?
When did being start needing to look like doing?

My Days Aren’t a Performance

Some days are full.
Some are quiet.
Some begin with a list and end with absolutely none of it done, but a lovely email written, a comforting meal made, a sock drawer slightly more hopeful than before.

I’m not anti-busy. I’m just pro-choice — the kind where you get to decide what fills your time, your mind, and your day without explaining it to anyone.

So, If You Must Ask…

The better question might be:
“What have you been thinking about lately?”
Or:
“Has anything made you smile today?”

I promise — the answers will be far more interesting.

Thanks for reading — one silver thread at a time.